Well its been awhile sense my last post, I guess I've been feelin alright for awhile, no breakdowns or horrible stories to tell. I suppose what brings me here is to lay down abit of closure, not really sure who reads this if anyone but thought you might want to know I'm alright...haven't killed myself or anything. I've gotten a job so that means I actually get the hell out of my house enough that I don't have to spent any considerable amount of time in my closet anymore. Also with the job i got a vehicle, this means I do have abit more of a life now and I am able to get out to do abit of partying, God knows I need it. Also I'm about to have a birthday, I'll be 18 this December (in like a few days) so I'm finally about to fulfill my lifelong dream of moving away from this house [legally]. (I know my profile says I'm already 18 but thats because I thought there might be parental controls or something like that on here so I lied) I've got a girl I'm abit interested in, not expecting anything to spectacular but then I've had disappointment in my life before, no big deal.
Oh, my good buddy from the "weed gang" got arrested and sent through rehab, so he's back on the right track. Tho, we do get together once in awhile and smoke abit

I really like what I have become, I can never change the fact that I was home schooled and every once in awhile it haunts me, but for the most part The Wolf does what he can to cover up my history.

(funny story before I draw this to a close:) The other day at work Me a guy I work with and this girl I'm interested in were in the break room. I was doin my thing and sorta flirting around abit with this girl when suddenly the other guy looks at me right in the eyes and says "Hey you're still homeschooled right...?" I looked at him like "I'm warning you man..." and I shook my head, he said "Well are you or not?" So seriously I'm not gunna lie, I said "Uh, yeah" So this girl (who I had not told this to yet) was like "Oh really cool!" It was a close call but no harm done. In fact it was so close of a call I decided to have a little "talk" with the guy to make sure it didn't happen again...thanks, Wolf...

Anyway that's about it, I survived my childhood and I'm about to move out and move on to the rest of my life. Maybe you'll hear something more from me in the future but I sort of doubt it. Thank you all for reading, and thanks to you who sent me your comments, your words were exactly what I needed to hear I'm sure.

(By the way this whole thing is quite the piece of literature if I do say so myself, I think I'll save this somewhere just incase I ever need a sad story to remind me what I am)

Sincerely,
The Wolf

Alright...so I lied...I know I said I was through with this blog but sometimes things have a way of coming back again.

Today's topic: Graduation

Yeah...I went to my good friend's graduation the other day. Dave my old football buddy remember? Well he's one year older than me so he just finished High school.

Most people would say, "big friggen deal whatever...everyone graduates right?" ....wrong.

So there I was, in the bleachers of the school football field looking down on everyone wearing their robes and the hats. They were all lined up and the whole stadium would applaud as the students name was called. The student would walk fourth and receive his or her diploma and then go sit again with his or her classmates and piers. It seemed like forever that the announcer called names until finally the band began to play the school song and slowly at first, the students began to chant their school song and move as one body performing the dance that went with the song. Then when it was time, everyone threw up their hats and cheers broke out throughout the whole stadium.

After all that, the kids walked throughout the crowd talking with, maybe for the last time, their high school friends and wishing one another luck in life.

This right of passage is necessary for people to move on. Not literally but mentally. A right of passage is just something for your subconscious, just to set your mind at ease "this is real". For example you are "married" as soon as you have a marriage certificate...but people want more than that. The wedding ceremony is nothing but a right of passage to show yourself "this is real now"

yeah...what a kick in the balls to go to a real high school graduation...because I know I’ll never have one.

Not only have I been denied a normal childhood...my choices of friends has been some pretty damn slim picking, I've been kept under a wing my whole life, and now...to add to my already long ass list of complaints: I have been denied this right of passage.

So, after the graduation we went to the stupid graduation party...so I put on my happy face mask and walked smiling up to my normal buddy and wished him well...yeah yeah whatever. Anyway later that night I found out he and a few other graduates were going on a road trip later this summer...I don’t know where they are going or for how long...why?...well because I wasn’t invited. Dave, my best friend chose not to say a God damn thing to me about it at all. Now one might come to the automatic assumption "wow he's a jerk" no no...he just knows my mom is a fucking looney...and that there is now way in hell that I, that sheltered homeschooled kid down the street who lives under his mommies protection would never EVER be allowed to do any such thing as to leave her sight for 5 FUCKING minutes.

How will I ever be able to look back on my childhood with any fond memories...when I didn’t have one?

In this, today's society, there is a certain course things are supposed to follow:

You are born
You go to school
You get teased
You either grow some balls or get shit on for your whole life
School dances
First kiss goes in here somewhere
Football games
Friends/Enemies
Responsibility
GRADUATION
And now

---Life---

What happens if you miss all this shit?...

all that gets delayed
You spend some time in the dark of your closet just to pretend you don’t exist
you get fucked up and grow a second personality
Second personality grows some balls so you don’t get shit on for your whole life
And now

---Life is fucked up---

I'll never NEVER...get this time back and I cant say one good thing about sitting in my fucking house for 17 years. There's nothing.

This life behind bars I lead is simply that...an imprisonment, a sentence to be carried out...and my time is almost up..............

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Look for more...I might just find more inspiration now and then...

yours truly,
The Wolf

Well I'm really done now. I said what I wanted to say and thats it. It only makes things more difficult when i'm constantly thinking about everything...depressing myself again and again over the same ol'crap. Please do not e-mail me or send me messages about what I am about to say (that includes you fate): For me, its just best to forget...keep things in the past and never bring it up again. I am, from this point on, going to forget everything I once was. I am a new person now. The Wolf in my mind now has controll, and everything else isnt even real...

Thats it...thanks for reading everyone.

I suppose thats my story. Basicly I created this account to say something and I guess I did. Anyway...I'll add some new stuff now and then. Thanks everyone for reading.

...she was a bitch.

Back when the weed gang was still going strong, I had a chance to experience many things. One of which was women. I had not had a lot of experience in this field until this point and still today, I am no expert. Life in the weed gang was good and everything was getting to a ‘normal’ comfort level with me. One of the members of the weed gang started bringing her friend around to hang with us. So I started flirting around abit, I ended up getting her number after a week or two and I was calling her before too long. This is basically the best thing that had ever happened to me at this point and I felt sure that my life was going to be okay now. I had friends, who cared for me, I was changing into a cool person, and I almost had a girlfriend. All I had to do was seal the deal...but that all went to shit in a single second that night. We were all hanging out and talking (among other things). Conversation strayed to school and how “homework is bullshit!” I agreed with the speaker. He then said jokingly to me “all you have is homework right!?” We all laughed. Ashley asked “what do you mean?” I was like “Oh, its because I’m homeschooled...I do all my work at home.” So the subject passed and we kept hanging out. Later that night when most of the gang had gone home, Ashley and I were alone. I thought it would be a good time to ask so I said, “We should catch a movie sometime you know?” She said she wanted to and we parted one another's company for the night.

The next day I was online and one of the members of the weed gang got on yahoo. She was Ashley's best friend at the time so I decided to try to do some spying.

I asked her, “Hey, what's Ashley said about me lately?”
She said “I’m chatting with her now”
“Okay, ask her if she’s going to go out with me or not.” I said
“She’s not sure”
“Why not?”
I will never ever forget what she said then. My friend copped and pasted Ashley's reply. Here is what she said:
“He’s just to innocent for me you know? I mean, he’s homeschooled. He’s just not bad enough for me”

That’s a heavy blow. At first I was to stunned for emotion...but that didn't last long. I was thankful to my friend for telling me what was going on. But that was a very small portion of what I was feeling. I was so angry...deep hatred was radiating out at everyone around me. The fact that she had been crushing on me, and into me, and everything was just fine, until she found out I didn't have the same education she did…it just blew my mind. My anger was indescribable. That aside, I was even more angry than just that. It was my mothers fault. She had been the one who made me into a freak, she was the one who made me an outcast. I can never be a normal kid. My childhood is already blown to shit and I’ll never get it back. All I can do is pretend I was normal and hope people accept me as normal - even though when they find out the truth, they shit allover me and leave me to die all alone.

Now my anger turned from - Ashley -to my upbringing - then, to my friends. Is that what they all thought of me!? Maybe they were just to nice to say it to my face. “Oh look its that damn homeschooled kid come to cramp our style.” How could I be sure that they really were friends? Now that this is all out in the open, what is a friend? Will I have to settle for whoever will hang out with me no matter what they actually think of me or what they say behind my back!?

The next day I was hanging out alone with my closest friend in the weed gang. I told him about what was going on, telling him that Ashly wouldn't got out with me because she was “just to bad for me” and that I was “too much of a good boy”. He said “aw that sucks.” Then, without meaning to...I just started freaking out on him. I began throwing accusations about asking “is that what everyone thinks of me? I’m just that ‘good boy’ that no one wants around?”

I didn't mean to snap at him. I feel bad now, but at that moment I just knew that he was going to say “Yes! That’s what we all think of you!” and that me yelling at him about it was the right thing to do. All my blind anger was suddenly released on an un-suspecting victim...a friend. He told me, in an extremely calm way, that I was not thought of in that way at all, and that I was their friend. He told me, “you don't have to go to a regular school to be cool to me.” and that “just being yourself if what makes you cool”. He told me that Ashley was some kind of bitch and she was stupid, because she wasn't even all that “bad” of a girl. And most important of all he let me know, I was his friend.

He ran away from home shortly after that...and nothing makes me more bitter that knowing that he’s out there now, out in the world, with nowhere to turn. My friend is out there ruining his life, all because of some stupid disagreement he had with his parents.

This world is bullshit people...I hope not everyone who reads this has to learn this the hard way.